CaptainD Rides Again!

Reviews in Personal Finance

2011-10-25T14:38:00.000-07:00

Current Most Popular Reviews on Epinions

2011-09-28T03:39:00.000-07:00

(Some appear twice because they're on the Overall "Most Popular Review" list as well as their category list)

		My Ten Favourite Romantic Comedies
		My Top Ten Animated Movies
		My Ten Favourite Romantic Comedies
		My Top Ten Animated Movies
		Top Ten Movies of All Time
		*The Greatest Sci-Fi Series* of All Time**
		The Captain's Top Ten Science Fiction Movies
		The Captain's Top Ten (or more) Spoof Movies EVER
		Top Ten Movies of All Time
		The Top Ten British Films - A Brit's List!
		The Best Cross-Trainer Around?
		The Captain's Top Ten Action / Adventure Movies
		Those Templars Sure Cast Long Shadows...
		The Captain's Top Ten Children's Movies
		*The Greatest Sci-Fi Series* of All Time**
		The Captain's Top Ten Comedies of All Time
		The Captain's Top Ten Science Fiction Movies
		The Bard's Tale - level up, you've found an arcade-RPG worth playing!
		Look! A Three-Headed Monkey!
		The sky-high APR will leave you feeling very blue...
		Top Ten Star Trek Movies
		The Captain's Top 100 Games of All Time - Part Two
		Lulu.com - a much better experience, second time round
		The Captain's Top Ten Musicals
		The Captain's Top 100 Computer / Video Games of All Time Part Four
		The Captain's Top 100 Games of All Time - Part One
		KOTOR 2 - More of the same (which isn't a bad thing...)
		The Captain's Top Ten (or more) Spoof Movies EVER
		British Film-Making at its Best (and for once that means it's good!)
		Bug-ridden but still playable!
		CaptainD's Top Ten Movies of 2002
		The Captain's Top Ten Freeware Adventure Games - New List
		The Top Ten British Films - A Brit's List!
		The Captain's Top 10... well, 13, of 2004
		Discworld's first game... Rincewind gets up close and personal with a dragon...
		Return of the Building Block!
		CaptainD's Top Ten Superhero Movies
		The Captain's Top Ten Films of 2003... (and a couple of turkeys, too)
		For the price, difficult to beat
		Best Lines in Film History - updated 31.07.08
		You must learn, young Padawan...
		The Captain's Top Ten Action / Adventure Movies
		The Captain's Top 100 Games of All Time Part 3
		Best Strategy Game Ever? Until anyone can better it, yes!
		Up with Ewan and Renee!
		The One I Couldn't Think Of A Good Title For...
		Here, Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty....
		Probably the best budget computer game store around.
		*You'll stare into the eyes of a demon...*
		Back to Narnia Once More...
		Playing Dead...
		Beat that Credit Card Debt!! (With a big stick...)
		Do Androids Dream of Playing Computer Games?
		Be the Bunny
		The Captain's Top Ten Children's Movies
		Wild Thing...
		CaptainD's Top Ten (going on Forty) Pop & Rock Albums...
		Grant and Bullock make a perfect combination
		Er... Look! Another Three-Headed Monkey!!
		Tom and Jerry get serious...
		The fourth (and final?) in the Broken Sword series
		A Truly British Computer-Animated Movie! (At Last...)

Cross Trainers

2011-09-09T04:18:00.000-07:00

Since I'm determined (seriously, really determined this time!) to get in shape and lose weight, let's focus on exercise equipment for a moment - in particular, cross trainers (elliptical trainers). Here are some reviews for you to peruse:

Bodyguard Fitness E300 Cross Trainer
Reebok Body Trek Cross Trainer
Reebok Body Peak Cross Trainer
Life Fitness 9500 HR Cross Trainer (easily my favourite cross trainer)
Vision Fitness X6100 Cross Trainer

Motion Control, Past, Present and Future(?)

2011-08-22T05:52:00.000-07:00

I guess I was a motion control pioneer, of sorts. You see, in my school days I created a motion controller for my Technology course – it was a pretty simple idea, basically an old Quickshot 2 shell with the bubble switches taken out and replaced by mercury switches. The end result was far too sensitive to work effectively and of course only worked in 8 directions so was not fully a motion controller, but I have to admit that every time I use a Wiimote, I wonder what might have been if I’d had the talent and vision to develop my idea further…

Anyway, nowadays the Wiimote is old-hat and X-box gamers can enjoy something even more immersive – Kinect. This is more than simply a motion controller, being a motion capture / tracking system. I suppose the technology, used extensively in many modern movies starting with the Lord of the Rings trilogy, moving into the realm of gaming was inevitable, but that hasn’t stopped Microsoft from creating quite a stir in the gaming community with the product. With the release of a non-commercial Kinect software development kit for Windows with a commercial product to follow, it seems that Microsoft are eager to encourage third-party support of their new toy.

Does this mean that the face of X-Box games is going to be forever changed? Only time will tell, and of course the interesting question is… what on earth will Nintendo / Sony / whoever come up with to trump Kinect?!

Game Reviews 2011

2011-06-16T04:43:00.000-07:00

Just trying to get a few more visitors to my game reviews on Epinions for this year - here are the reviews / interviews:

All my game reviews / interviews on Epinions so far this year:

Game Design

2011-05-14T03:47:00.000-07:00

Since I've been working on a few games (coding in Just Basic), and workin as a writer / puzzle designer / beta tester on a few adventure games (made with AGS), I've managed to come up with a few ideas about game design. There are gaming schools that can help you learn such things of course, and I guess they may teach you more advanced principals than I could ever come up with, but I think the most important thing about designing games is that you are a games player yourself. After all, the most simple yet effective concept to work to is: try to make a game that you would enjoy playing yourself. (I guess this may not work if you only like games over people don't like... but how likely is that?!?)

For instance when designing levels for Arena Escape, which is an arcade puzzle game I'm making, I try to usually have at least one point in the level where you have two possible solutions. I don't mind linear game design to an extent, but I think it always helps for the player to be able to use a bit of individuality and still beat the game - one thing I liked about Zak McKraken and the Alien Mindbenders was that there were often two or more solutions to puzzles in the game. So, I try to incorporate that - and anything else I've particularly liked about other games - into my own. The only limit is your imagination... well that and available time, programming skill, resources, funds for development tools, deadlines, system crashes... oh well, I guess it's working within constraints that keeps the creative juices flowing!! :-D

Epinions Reviews - July 2003

2011-02-14T04:26:00.000-08:00

After a hiatus of a couple of months, I went on a bit of a reviewing splurge in July 2003. It started with my review of X-Men 2, one of my favourite super-hero movies, and then followed the utterly abysmal Matrix: Reloaded. Then a sequel that I loved though many fans of Shanghai Noon didn't - Shanghai Knights, starring Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson. (I would watch nad review the first movie later on.) The mildly enjoyable Steve Martin, Queen Latifah and Eugene Levy movie "Bringing Down the House" came next. Then it was back to book reviews - the brilliant Foundation's Edge by Isaac Asimov (probably my favourite of all the Foundation series of books), and the extremely enjoyable The Brethren by John Grisham - a real favourite author of a friend of mine in Australia, but I've only ever read one or two of his books.

I went back to science fiction with Aldous Huxley's Brave New World, a book which seems to divide opinion completely between those who loved it and those who hated it (I belong in the former group). Then I reviewed Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (which seems to have been put under the wrong product on Epinions now - oh well...) On 8th July 2003 I made a landmark review - About A Boy. For reasons known and unknown this has been one of my most successful and profitable reviews ever - currently standing at over 17,000 page views and just over two hundred dollars. (Very few of my reviews have come close to this or I could have retired years ago!). Strange but true.

Anyway, I then reviewed another Discworld novel - this time Small Gods. The first season of Friends was next, then another Terry Pratchett book (but not a Discworld one this time) in Diggers, followed by another of his books for kids, Only You Can Save Mankind. Not up to his usual standard, at least from my point of view (some of his books for kids are superb reads for adults too!). Isaac Asmiov's The End of Eternity, a cracking time-travelling yarn if ever there was one, was my penultimate review of July 2003. The last one was (you guessed it) yet another Discworld book - The Fifth Elephant.

All My Epinions Reviews

New Domains

2011-01-28T14:37:00.000-08:00

I've been moving my blogs over to first-level domain names - should have done this ages ago, but hey.

(Those quick on the uptake may have noticed a pattern with those ones...)

Also:

Not forgetting my existing domains:

http://www.indiegamenews.com/
and of course http://www.captaindridesagain.com/

Slight Site Redesign

2011-01-27T14:19:00.000-08:00

Hmm...

Felt the need to shuffle things around a bit here, I hope the end result is a little more aesthetically pleasing than before.

Epinions Reviews - April 2003

2011-01-25T04:24:00.000-08:00

After a revewless March 2003, I managed a mighty output of 3 reviews in April. Obviously hadn't really got the reviewing bug by that stage... I started off by reviewing a romantic comedy that I really loved (despite Meg Ryan's incredibly cheesy performance - or perhaps because of Meg Ryan's incredibly cheesy performance! Along with Kevin Kline's believably turn as a Frenchman, of course), French Kiss. Kate Hudson and Mathew McConnaughey, the actor with the world's most annoyingly difficult to spell surname, did okay in How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days, though I was a tad over-enthusiastic about it at the time since it was the first time I'd managed to get free cinema tickets (thanks to my employment agency for some strange reason).

I rounded off April 2003 with another Discworld review, this time the excellent The Last Continent. Then, shockingly enough, I went two whole months without reviewing anything.

All My Epinions Reviews

Epinions Reviews - February 2003

2011-01-20T04:35:00.000-08:00

I started off February 2003 by reviewing the tenth Star Trek film, the truly risible Star Trek: Nemesis. Then it was into romantic comedy territory with the Hugh Grant / Sandra Bullock movie Two Weeks Notice, which I really liked though a lot of others didn't.

I obviously hadn't got the reviewing bug back then because those were the only two reviews I posted in February 2003. The following month I didn't post any at all (shock, horror!)... so the next reviews round-up will be April 2003.

All My Epinions Reviews

Epinions Reviews - January 2003

2011-01-19T04:14:00.000-08:00

I joined Epinions way back in January 2003, with my first published review published on 19th January - a review of the album Come Away With Me by Norah Jones. I followed that up the next day by reviewing a PC game, Bugs Bunny: Lost in Time. I went back to music for my review of Anastacia's album "Not That Kind", then posted my first book review - National Lampoon's Lord of the Rings parody Bored of the Things. On a bit of a role I posted my review of Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers movie the same day, then I embarked on my reviews of Discworld novels, posting three the following day; The Colour of Magic, The Light Fantastic and Mort. Never Been Kissed and Star Trek: Insurrection were two of the first DVDs we got after moving into a new flat, so they were reviewed (loved both movies btw).

The review of an animated movie I'd seen much earlier, Asterix in Britain, got a rehash, and I returned to Discworld with my review of Moving Pictures (still one of my favourite Discworld novels). My love of science fiction prompted me to review Stephen Baxter's "The Time Ships", his follow up to the HG Wells classic "The Time Machine" (though I admit The Time Ships will never be among my favourite skiffy novels). Pyramids was another excellent Discworld novel.

The next months' batch of reviews included a couple of truly dreadful sci-fi movies...

All My Epinions Reviews

All My Epinions Reviews

2011-01-19T04:01:00.001-08:00

I'm adding a month by month summary of all my reviews / articles posted on Epinions (the months I actually posted any reviews, anyway):

Lord of the Things: The Mellow Hip of the Thing - eBook Edition Released Today!

2010-12-14T08:09:00.000-08:00

Now released as an eBook, the first book of my Lord of the Rings parody trilogy!

Lord of the Things is an affectionate parody of J R R Tolkein's great work, "Lord of the Rings". This is the first book covering events from the beginning of the quest in Hobbiton to splitting up of the fellowship of the ring. Expect plenty of bad puns, wordplay, pop culture references and alliteration! (You have been warned...)

Price: £1.99 (discounted to £1.59 from launch until further notice)

Product Page

What More Blogs?

2010-12-11T10:21:00.000-08:00

Yes, ridiculous as it may seem, I've started up two more blogs...

Songs that make me Smile

and

Games for the Sony Ericsson Cybershot

Will these add enough to the advertising revenue to make it worthwhile? Well... in all honesty, probably not, but I can but try...

The end of DARSCOM...

2010-12-10T04:53:00.000-08:00

... I've come to a (slightly) momentous decision. The hosting for DARSCOM is due for renewal at the end of December 2010, and I've decided to let it go - the cost of hosting is too much to really be worth doing, as the advertising revenue the site generates is minimal. I realise that there may be other less tangible benefits coming from pages on the DARSCOM site, particularly in terms of page rank benefits for other sites... but it's just not enough to make it worth keeping going. I'll concentrate on my other sites and blogs.... I certainly have enough of them!

Top Ten Adventure Game Lists

2010-11-15T09:16:00.000-08:00

Not one, not two, but three different top ten adventure game lists! Wherever will it end?

CaptainD's Top Ten Adventure Games

Jonathon Wisnoski's Top Ten Adventure Games

Gnome's Top Ten Adventure Games

Croatian Sunset 3

2010-08-18T10:44:00.000-07:00

Croatian Sunset 2

2010-08-18T10:43:00.000-07:00

Croatian Sunset 1

2010-08-18T10:41:00.000-07:00

Landscape Photography

2010-08-18T10:39:00.000-07:00

When I've taken a photo I'm particularly proud of, I'll post a link to it here. Anyone is welcome to use my photos on their own sites, though a link back acknowledging the source would be appreciated.

Earning Online

2010-08-09T15:39:00.000-07:00

Hmm... Google AdSense earnings... a bad joke.
Amazon Affiliates income... laughable.
TradeDoubler - pointless.
Affiliate Window - don't even ask.
LinkShare - meh.
Any other scheme... pointless.
Unless you have thousands of visitors per day (or unless you're unethical and also very clever), you're going to earn peanuts - small peanuts at that. Sometimes I have to wonder why I even bother trying...

Mini-Sage (er, Saga) - Vegetable Wars

2010-06-22T04:06:00.000-07:00

Fruits, legumes, vegetables; lend me your ears – or at least your tubers. I say to you, enough is enough! For too long we have had warfare; carrot against broccoli, cauliflower against tomato, kidney bean against celery. It is time to stop!

All I am saying is: give peas a chance.

PC Game Reviews

2010-06-11T09:57:00.001-07:00

Looking for PC game reviews, are you? Found them you have! Just pick your genre to see the list of game reviews...

Iron Man 2 Review

2010-05-06T12:43:00.000-07:00

Check out my review of new movie release Iron Man 2. Not as good as the first, at least not to me... but it had its moments.

Round-Up: Indie RPG Releases in March 2010

2010-04-02T04:13:00.001-07:00

If you're a fan of indie RPGs, you might want to check out this post in indiegamenews.com:

Round-Up: Indie RPG Releases in March 2010

PageRank Update

2010-03-05T09:58:00.001-08:00

I was most pleased to find out that captaindridesagain.com has now been given a PR of 4. Not sure what I've done to deserve that... but I'll take it anyway!

Stop Smoking with the Serious Quitters' Arcade!

2010-01-29T06:16:00.001-08:00

I've never smoked personally but this campaign is worth letting people know about. Basically Pfizer Ltd and "Quit" have teamed up to produce a campaign based on three 80s-style video games, designed to help people see the need to give up smoking.

More information and opinion on the Serious Quitters' Arcade campaign
Play The Games

Hard Disk Drive Reviews

2009-12-04T10:37:00.000-08:00

Another new feature of my PC Gaming Blog added today:

Hard Disk Drive Reviews

CPU Reviews

2009-09-05T08:47:00.001-07:00

Check out a new feature of my PC Gaming Blog - a set of CPU Reviews. I'm afraid I didn't write them, I don't really know enough about these things - fortunately my guest reviewer Reuben knows rather a lot about them!

Announcements

2009-09-05T08:46:00.001-07:00

28.12.10 - Just finished my complete episode list for season four of Star Trek TNG and my Best 3, Worst 3 for the season.
17.12.10 - I suppose I should really update the announcements page more often! I'm discontinuing DARSCOM.NET, I've started up a Sony Erricson Cybershot Games Blog and another blog called Songs That Make Me Smile.
01.03.10 - the official lanuch of indiegamenews.com - dedicated to bringing you the best news and information about independent games on all systems.
11.02.10 - various updates - WII Game Reviews Index, Hard Disk Drive Reviews on my blogs; the Third Good Movies EpiGuide now running on Epinions.
05.09.09 - CPU Reviews now featured on my PC Gaming Blog
14.06.09 - Retro Gaming and Emulation Blog Launched

New Blog!

2009-06-14T15:37:00.001-07:00

Yes, I've started yet another new blog...

Retro Gaming and Emulation Blog - featuring memories of old games and news about remakes, focusing mainly on the Atari ST, ZX Spectrum and Playstation 1 at the moment. Will probably add GameCube and Gameboy Advance games to the mix soon. All the emulators I use work on Vista, so if you've been struggling to find a Vista-compatible emulator for an old computer, you might just find the answer on the blog. Plus of course I'll post about any PC remakes I come across - should be plenty of those!

If you like retro gaming, please take a look!

Isaac Asimov Book Reviews

2009-04-28T10:22:00.001-07:00

The Foundation Series

Also by Isaac Asimov

42english

2009-04-08T10:48:00.000-07:00

It will be my 10th anniversary with Epinions on December 12th of this year. The site was new in 1999 and I came across it when I was looking for a vacuum cleaner. The reviews were short and curt back then but, over the years, the site has blossomed and produces, in my opinion, the best reviews on-line for so many products.

I have taken hiatus a couple of times but have always come back. I spent a year as a Top Reviewer and have also been awarded a place in the top 200 reviewers which flatters me greatly.

Granted, back in the day, I was attracted to the income share but now, I find reward in knowing that I might help a few people in their purchasing decisions.

Of course, the greatest reward was getting to know so many new people and, over the years, I have made many new friendships at Epinions. I also keep in contact with fellow reviewers who have often made my day with a thoughtful comment or a welcome e-mail. Many have come and gone in the period I have written on this site but the diehards are still around and have a welcome place in my e-mail box.

Conclusion: The monthly check I receive from Epinions is greatly appreciated but the quality of the Epinions community is PRICELESS.

View 42english's Epinions Profile

bradshawcl

2009-04-07T10:09:00.000-07:00

The year was 2004 and I was looking to buy another car seat for my infant daughter. When I typed in 'car seat reviews' several reviews from Epinions popped up. I read them and I just registered so I could rate reviews- at first. After a few days of rating, I figured out that I could write reviews and make money and I thought that would be something for a stay at home mom to do. I had tons of baby toys and equipment that I could talk about.

View bradshawcl's Epinions Profile

Talyseon

2009-04-07T10:07:00.000-07:00

I was called into work a graveyard shift on January 17th 2008. While I brought several DVDs to entertain myself and help me stay awake, the site I was at had a broken DVD player.

I decided to do some online surveys to keep myself awake, but that quickly faded out. So I turned back to my book, which was A Million Bucks by 30; How to Overcome a Crap Job, Stingy Parents, and a Useless Degree to Become a Millionaire Before (Or After) Turning Thirty (ISBN 9780345499721) by Alan Corey.

In that book, it mentioned Epinions as an honest website where one could make a few dollars on line. I was intrigued, and decided to check it out. I joined that night, and wrote my first reviews. They Stank.

However, I was helped along with constructive criticism from veterans of the site, particularly eplovejoy and Greatpilgrim.

The site was doing the 10-4-10 promotion at the time, and that gave me the impetus to continue. And if I am going to do something, I want to do it right, so I paid attention to the criticisms and worked to get better.

And I was pleased with the results. My writing improved, as did my critical thinking. When they ended the 10-4-10 promotion in September, it was too late; I was already hooked.

Now, I continue, enjoying the discipline of daily writing. The money is a side line, welcome, but no longer the primary reason for my continued presence on the site.

I also enjoy the feeling of community on the site. Many other sites do not enjoy the same civil discussion and well mannered interactions. I abandoned them, and concentrated on Epinions. In all my time on Epinions, I have encountered exactly one jerk I had to block for reasons of personality. That is so rare.

So, now I am actually getting dollars a month in Income Share instead of Pennies, and it is a game to see how much my numbers increase. I study which of my reviews do well, and which ones I thought were brilliant fizzle. It is an interesting mental puzzle, and perhaps it makes me a better writer.

That’s my story. I hope it helps.

View Talyseon's Epinions Profile

jenniferkateab

2009-04-06T11:38:00.000-07:00

I joined Epinions because I benefited greatly from reading kitchen appliance reviews when I was replacing appliances in my kitchen. In fact, I was so impressed with the quality of reviews on Epinions that I wanted to help others by adding my own reviews. What really spurred me on was buying my new dishwasher ~ it was such a winner, and so much better than my previous model, that I couldn't wait to spread the word. I hoped that my experience with my new appliances would be useful to others who were looking for new appliances, too. In one case, my new oven malfunctioned multiple times after we got it installed. After searching the Web, I found others who had experienced the same issues, too.

So, I used my Epinions review to alert other owners or purchasers of this model to potential problems they might experience and methods I used to solve them. Now that thousands of ordinary people have read my appliance reviews, I feel I've generated some of the good Karma which I received from Epinions initially.

After I got the "Review Bug" by seeing so many people reading my reviews, I started reviewing any product which either made me silly with joy, or livid with anger and disppointment. There are also some mediocre products which cry out to be reviewed! I love having a forum to express myself. Also, I enjoy the feedback I get from other members who leave funny, insightful and smart comments on my reviews, and in general, by the community which is encouraging and talented. I have found that the more energy I put into my reviews, the more positive feedback I receive ~ again, it's great Karma!

Thanks for listing to my Epinion on Epinions! ~ Jennifer

View jenniferkateab's Epinions Profile

Perpetual by Brian Huey

2009-03-30T10:41:00.000-07:00

In this first novel of the Perpetual series Matthew, a dreamer with a savantlike gift for science, who envisions a safer and cleaner world, and Maria, a Spanish beauty intrigued with the criminal mind, run for their lives across America’s Eastern Seaboard—fleeing sinister forces of evil.

Perpetual’s myriad subplots filled with grinding tension and lightning-fast action lead to a stunning climax. Along the way, Matthew learns that, for him, Interstate 95 was never just a road . . . it was destiny.

Read an Extract

Perpetual by Brian Huey - Extract Page 5

2009-03-30T09:45:00.000-07:00

“¡Madre Santa de Dios!” Marcos whispered, crossing himself.

“That was close. Damn good gamble, Marcos,” Matthew said. Maria also drew the sign of the cross, then held tighter to Matthew. The trio traveled west on Fifth Street, north on Alton and over the MacArthur Causeway, and then headed south on Route 1.

Order Perpetual at http://www.brianhuey.com/

Perpetual by Brian Huey - Extract Page 4

2009-03-30T09:41:00.000-07:00

athlete out of their path. Marcos swerved and smashed two large garbage cans before regaining control.

Matthew looked out the shattered back window at a large green sedan that was catching up with the VW bus, which was bouncing around like a tetherball behind the wrecker. A man, who Cracker Jack had earlier called Cue Ball, leaned out of the passenger window. Matthew could see him smile as he pulled around the passenger side of the VW bus and leveled his gun out the driver’s side window. Matthew leaned into Marcos and grabbed the wheel; Marcos was too shocked to object when Matthew swung the wheel hard left, barely missing a group of bar-hoppers who scattered to both sides of the street as bullets whizzed by off the passenger side. They careened into a small park area between their street and Ocean Drive with the VW bus still attached. They knocked over one forest green cast iron bench and then another while darting between palm trees.

The green sedan cut into the park in close pursuit. Marcos regained control, and Matthew let go of the wheel.

“¡Hijos de puta!” Marcos yelled and continued cussing at Matthew in English and Spanish even though he knew Matthew had saved at least one of them from taking a bullet.

“¡Que locura! There’s no seat belts in this truck!” Maria said, waving her hands.

“Hey, it’s not my truck. You can complain to my boss,” Marcos shot back, “if we live through this!”

He growled something in Spanish and swung the wheel to the right directly in the path of the approaching green sedan.

Maria screamed, “What are you doing!”

Matthew looked into Cue Ball’s wide eyes and then at the gun. He tensed, expecting a bullet. Before Cue Ball could shoot, the wrecker slammed into the sedan with such force Matthew thought the four-ton vehicle would flip. Instead, hood first, the sedan lifted high into the air, flipped, twisted, then hit flat on its top; crushing its passengers like potato chips in a bag. Sparks flew with the sound of metal scraping the pavement. Matthew craned to watch as the car looking like a Fourth of July sparkler, hit a short stone wall and rolled two, three, four times before finally landing right side up in the sand.

Perpetual Extract - Page 5

Order Perpetual at http://www.brianhuey.com/

Perpetual by Brian Huey - Extract Page 3

2009-03-30T09:36:00.000-07:00

“I don’t care what he said; he’s out in the open.”

With that, Marcos slammed on the brakes, bringing the rig to a screeching stop only a dozen feet past the shootout. Matthew reached over Maria to open the door; but before he could shout to Cracker Jack, he saw one of the agents with Cracker Jack go down. A bright patch of red appeared on Cracker Jack’s right shoulder and on his chest, in vivid contrast to his white shirt. He fl ew backward as if yanked by an invisible chain and crashed into the wall of the building, bouncing off and hitting the ground face down. The two G-Men were already sprawled on the sand between the two buildings. “They shot them. Those other guys shot Cracker Jack and the FBI agents!” Matthew heard someone scream — and then realized it was his own voice. Under the street lamp the three men’s bodies lay still, covered in blood.

“I have to help him,” Matthew said, opening the door.

“No, Matthew, you’ll be shot!” Maria put both hands on his chest to keep him from leaping out of the truck.

Marcos ground the truck into gear, the pungent smell of gasoline and exhaust filled the cab. With his voice shaking, Marcos said, “It’s too late, amigo, it’s too late.”

Marcos tried to regain control as he barely missed a parked car on the narrow street. He careened first to the left, then to the right, and then to the left again until he got the rig under control.

They sped past hotels and retail shops two or three blocks from where Cracker Jack and the FBI agents went down when once again bullets began fl ying in their direction. The killers had chosen their next target. One bullet shattered the back window inches above Matthew’s head, the glass spreading out in the cab like confetti.

“We have to go back, Marcos! We have to see if there’s a chance he’s alive.”

Marcos erupted into Spanish. Matthew knew that he was saying ‘No way in hell!’ Then in English void of the slightest accent, Marcos said, “My job’s to get you kids outta here, and that’s what I’m gonna’ do.”

The rig was pushing forty as bullets twanged off the back. Before Matthew could yell, the truck barely missed hitting a grizzled old man holding a bottle to his lips in one hand and gripping his fully stacked shopping cart with the other. He froze in suspended animation a second before diving like an Olympic

Perpetual Extract - Page 4

Order Perpetual at http://www.brianhuey.com/

Perpetual by Brian Huey - Extract Page 2

2009-03-30T09:30:00.000-07:00

Marcos yelled for them to duck and Matthew pushed Maria toward the floor as a bullet tore into the driver’s side door. He ground the gears from first into second as more cracks of gunfire sounded.

“We’re being shot at?” Maria screamed above the squeal of the truck and chaos going on outside.

“They must be stray shots. Why would anyone shoot at us?” Matthew shouted back. He put his hand on Maria’s head and forced her down below the open window as a bullet buried itself into the seat behind them.

Matthew picked up a few of the words Marcos was muttering in Spanish. He seemed to be cussing at the truck for not accelerating fast enough. Then he looked at Matthew and, in clearer English than Matthew had heard him speak before, said, “You kids keep your heads down. We’ll be out of here in no time.” Marcos forced the stick into third gear, hit the gas, and the huge wrecker jerked forward.

Matthew looked up to make sure Marcos was going in a straight line. Then he looked out the window and his eyes met Cracker Jack’s.

Everything appeared to be in slow motion. Somehow, Matthew felt this image would remain ingrained in his mind forever. Cracker Jack’s eyes seemed to be saying, I’m depending on you.

Cracker Jack’s last words in the diner came back to him: I need your help; you might be my last chance. Matthew stretched to keep his eyes on Cracker Jack and the two FBI agents defending him. One was kneeling at the corner of the building and fi ring across the street; the other had his back pressed up against Cracker Jack in the corner of the building, their only protection a palm tree.

Matthew realized, though it was not all that comforting, that neither set of men were firing at the wrecker. The unfortunate trio was caught in the crossfire. Matthew glanced at the two men taking cover behind a U.S. postal box on the other side of the street and fi ring on the three exposed men. He had seen them earlier and assumed they were yet more FBI agents. After all, Cracker Jack had said he was expecting replacements for his current G-Men chaperones that
had him under protective custody.

“Stop the truck!” Matthew said, “We have to help!”

“Cracker Jack told me to get you kids out of here no matter what,” Marcos retorted.

Perpetual Extract - Page 3

Order Perpetual at http://www.brianhuey.com/

Perpetual by Brian Huey - Extract Page 1

2009-03-30T09:27:00.000-07:00

PROLOGUE

March 17, 1995

Revelations

MATTHEW THADDEUS EATON stepped up into the passenger side of the massive tow truck cab and sat beside Marcos, his nervous new friend. Marcos managed the Miami Beach Shell station where the VW bus hung off the back of the truck.

It was after midnight, and the faint sound of the South Beach nightlife was beginning to come alive a few blocks away. The prominent sound on the corner of Lincoln and Collins was the rumble of the large wrecker engine and the guffaws of an occasional set of drunken businessmen leaving the local strip bars. Matthew reached over and helped Maria in beside him. He turned his attention cattycorner and down a block from where they sat, to their other new friend who they knew as Cracker Jack. He was standing with two men Matthew believed were with the FBI. The FBI men were tall; Cracker Jack was more than a head taller. The three men were engaged in a heated discussion in front of the Cuban diner where Matthew and Maria spent the last hour mesmerized by Cracker Jack’s tale of intrigue.

As Marcos maneuvered the wrecker out of the Shell lot, Matthew’s VW bus in tow, the peaceful night erupted into gunfire.

Perpetual Extract - Page 2

Order Perpetual at http://www.brianhuey.com/

Review Writing - Some Tips

2009-03-28T09:45:00.000-07:00

I've been writing reviews for years now on Epinions among other places, and have seen good and bad examples of how to write reviews (and, yes, I've written reviews that I'm not exactly impressed with nowadays, though generally I've edited them...)

Anyway, for those of you who might be interested in writing reviews, here are a few tips (with a slight leaning towards media reviews as they're what I've written most of, but I've tried to keep it general):

Always remember that you're writing for people who haven't seen the film / played the game / used the product. It's surprising how many new (and sometimes even established) writers forget this.
Try to include the sort of details that you would want to know before making a buying decision.
If reviewing a book or movie, don't give the whole plot away!
Spellchecks are very useful...
Proofreading is also very useful!
If you're really not happy with a review, don't post it - save it and edit it the next day.
Don't be afraid to go back and edit a review once you've posted it.
Accept constructive criticism, ignore idiotic remarks.
Try to include all relevant details, but don't become bogged down by excessive attention to detail.
Explain your point of view if you think it will be different from many people's and will dramatically affect your enjoyment of a movie / usefulness of a product etc.
Try to point out both who would and who wouldn't like the product you're reviewing.
Write from a personal point of view while keeping in mind the above point.
Humour helps keep people reading if your review is a touch on the long side!
State your opinion even if you're in the minority (but still keep in mind point 11...)

If more come to mind, I'll add them later!

Privacy Policy

2009-03-28T08:55:00.001-07:00

The following privacy policy is relevant to www.captainridesagain.com, www.darscom.net and all subdomains, and all blogs run by CaptainD (listed on my Blogger Profile).

Impersonal geographic and technical data is tracked by Google Analytics
Cookies kept by Google AdSense (behavioural advert model - if you click an advertising click, AdSense will remember and show adverts on the site in line with what you clicked on)
Affiliate Window adverts - when clicked different companies may use cookies to remember who you are on subsequent visits
No personal data is gathered by me
All companies affliated with this site have their own privacy policies and will not use use malicious code *

* This applies to affliate links, though I would never knowingly exchange links with any site that might use malicious code.

Website Affiliate Networks

2009-03-27T12:56:00.000-07:00

This is the affiliate network I use at the moment - they eliminate time wasters by charging £5 with your application, but as long as you're not tyring to scam them, that £5 will appear in your earnings blox straight away once you've been approved (I can confirm that's what happened to me). It's similar to Commision Junction, but so far I prefer it - will post more opinion here as time goes on! To apply, simpy click on the graphic above to start the process.

So what happened to the Shareware Section?

2009-03-27T09:47:00.001-07:00

Unfortunately the affliate program which handled all the programs that I was advertising is closing down at the end of March 2009. At the time of writing this I'm not sure whether I want to join their new program or not, or focus the site more on other things. For now I've taken all the Shareware pages off the site since before long they'll be useless.

If Only She'd Known... a Mini-Saga

2009-03-07T13:29:00.000-08:00

BUZZ, went the fly. Then it simply went SPLAT and made no further comment after being attacked by the evil housewife. (But aren't all housewives evil?) The dying thought of the fly was :

"There it is again! That unmistakable feeling that in a past life, I was England's football manager."

This mini-saga is included in my book Space Oddity.

Fatal Mistake - a Drabble

2009-03-07T13:26:00.000-08:00

The alien looked at the ship's controls. This time it would work! There would be no mistake, not like the last time. Last time his ancestors had tried to contact the people of the planet earth, his father had gone down to the surface, and received a most unfriendly welcome. It was later discovered that his name translated into English ("Ivcumtodestroilahuminrase") was somewhat offensive to humans. But now, with his son bearing a different name (despite similar looks), the message of peaceful benevolence would come across.

This alien, the ambassador for his (its?) people, was called, translated into English:

"Dyeurflingskum".

This drabble is included in my book Space Oddity.

Confusion - a Drabble

2009-03-07T13:25:00.000-08:00

One day I woke up and went to work, but it was only a dream. I woke up and found I had dreamed that too. After waking up again, and finding that my dream of dreaming about going to work was only a dream, I found that I'd woken up once more. At this point I began to get confused. In my confusion, I fell asleep and woke up not knowing if I was asleep or awake. After realising I was awake in my sleep, I woke up and wrote down my experiences.

But maybe that was only a dream.

This drabble is included in my book Space Oddity.

What is a Drabble / Mini-Saga?

2009-03-07T13:23:00.000-08:00

A Drabble is a story of exactly 100 words, while a Mini-Saga is a story of exactly 50 words. Both are a real challenge to write if you want to construct something meaningful in that tiny number of words.

Some examples of drabbles are:

Some examples of mini-sagas are:

Captain Disaster Episode 6: Timedrive

2009-03-06T08:58:00.000-08:00

Captain Disaster.

Episode Six

Timedrive.

"I've made a time-drive", announced Zero-Bit.

Captain Disaster looked up from his Acturan Megaprawn. Little bits of seafood splattered across the control panel in front of it. It really was a most disgusting sight.

"Oh yeah? And what about the black hole, eh? We've just escaped from a black hole, and all you can think about is a stupid time drive? You've got your priorities on the wrong things, ZB. You should live in the real world. Set goals and achieve them. Be alive. Follow my superlative example."

Zero-Bit let off a long burst of static. "And what, pray, have you been thinking about and doing since we escaped, thanks to, I have to say, my ingenuity? When I mentioned it, you thought the slingshot technique was something to do with rubber bands!"

"I've been eating. Fancy another slice of Megaprawn?"

"You disgust me."

Captain Disaster thought about this at length.

"So, is that a yes or a no?"

ZB was persistent about his timedrive. He kept going on and on and on and on and on and on and on etc etc for goodness sake this is getting to be a really ridiculous sentence oh no I can't stop I'm in a terminal warp or is that a flux um shouldn't there be a full stop or a few dozen commas here somewhere. (The author there showed signs of repetitive strain injury as related to the brain. After taking his case to the judge, with conclusive evidence that it was a real ailment, the judge decided in his incomprehensible wisdom that it wasn't a real disease and that the writer was just being a big girl and making a fuss out of nothing.*) Anyway, to make an already long story push into the very limits of human tedium, they tried it out.

* The views expressed herewith are not necessarily those of the author.

CD was not exactly wild about the idea, thinking that they'd had quite enough adventures recently. In doing so, he completely missed the point of being the main character of a science fiction series, and I, the author, had a good row with him about it, not for the first time.

You may at this point notice worrying signs that I, Le Author, have reached a stage where reality and fiction have merged into one impenetrable mass, leaving me prone to talking about Captain Disaster as if he was a real person, not merely the product of an extremely warped imagination. Well, I say to you, just prove me wrong. Go on, just try.

Anyway...

What happened is best explained by leaving it unsaid. However, I've never been one to take the easy route in anything. (This is why going from Hounslow to Putney and back, a journey of less than ten miles, takes me three days each time.) They (CD&ZB) went forward in time, only to find that time had caught up with them. Then they went back in time, and time slowed down to keep up (down?) with them. Then they stood still in time, caught it out, and watched in great amusement as time galloped off into the future, getting a speeding ticket before realising what had happened and coming back.

Zero-Bit attempted to explain what had happened.

"Time is curved, right?"

"I always thought it was linear."

"Right, so that's settled then. Thus, if you try to go in any direction on the surface of a spherical object, thus moving at different speeds, but actually staying exactly the same distance away from the centre, your speed in relation to the speed of light, taking into account the gravitational effects of planetary and solar bodies, given that there's an 'R' in the month and that the Spice Girls are top of the charts in more than half the countries in the world, is actually equal to the average speed of light travelling through every different type of surface in East Acton on the twelfth of July, 1765CE. This being the case, mc/2IR*number of singles sold by Diana Ross in her whole life+the entire population of the world as a percentage of the population of the entire universe which is addicted to ER at any one time=c/1. Therefore, time, although being a variable, is in fact a constant. You may understand it better if you imagine a helicopter crashing into Pavoroti."

"Why?"

"You always think better that way."

Captain Disaster looked blank for a brief second that lasted nineteen hours. Suddenly, a year later, the beautiful simplicity of ZB's explanation hit him like a brick covered with horrible crawly things that answer to the name of Albert (or, perhaps, horrible crawly Alberts that answer to the name of Thing). Four decades after this, he shook his head slowly, let out a huge sigh (he'd been holding his breath for 40 years), and exclaimed "Eureka!".

"You mean you get it? You actually get it? You understand? You know? You believe? Tell me you believe!", shouted Zero-Bit, in an uncharacteristic frenzy.

CD looked very smug. "Yes. I see it clearly now. Time is like a journey; the time it takes to reach your destination is relative, not only to the distances and speed involved, but the level of expectation, wakefulness and interest of your consciousness. Therefore, whatever speed you go through time at, you appear to be travelling at the same speed, because your consciousness keeps pace with it."

Zero-Bit blew several circuits as he realised the perception of Captain Disaster was improving at an exponential rate. He was still a rank moron, of course, but that was such an improvement over what he had been...

But he hadn't finished yet, he was on a role. "So, if in the past I asked myself something in the future, I could answer it in the present, theorise on it in the future, and go back to the past and answer the question before I even ask it. But hold on! Then I wouldn't understand the answer, because I wouldn't know what I was answering! Or why I was answering a question I hadn't asked. I'd think I was mad."

"As opposed to everyone else thinking it" muttered Zero-Bit. All the good work he'd done on improving the Captain's psychological condition had now been undone.

Suddenly, as quickly as a stream of tachyons passing through yesterday's porridge, a message came over on the microwave.

"Why can't you just use the communications network properly, just like everyone else?" complained the walking Disaster.

"I'm unique", said the mysterious entity. "I'm also a mysterious entity."

"What's the point? The story's nearly over", said CD.

"Just so that a) You've had one outside character in the episode and b) so that I can keep coming back in future episodes when the scriptwriter's got writer's block."

"Oh, OK then."

And with that, the author ran out of patience with this entirely stupid episode and gleefully wrote another few hundred words to his novel which he'd been working on forever and a day, and which still isn't finished to this day.

It happened just so. And that's how the teenage girl got her spots and lost 90% of her social appeal.

"Goodbye", said Captain Disaster and Zero-Bit in that way that characters in children's TV programs usually do. Then they realised that it was probably adults reading them, or at least adolescents who viewed themselves as adults, so they said it again, in more macho voices, and made some unfunny joke that was in some way relevant to the episode, and laughed until the screen faded out.

Oh yes, they'd seen Buck Rogers and Star Trek: The Next Generation enough times to do that. They were professionals, they were.

This short story is included in my book Space Oddity.

Fiction

2009-03-06T08:57:00.001-08:00

Short Stories

Drabbles

Mini-Sagas

What are drabbles and mini-sagas?

Captain Distaster Episode 1: The Planet-Eater of Acturus

2009-03-06T08:47:00.000-08:00

Captain Disaster.

Episode One.

The Planet Eater of Acturus.

"Why can't life ever be easy?", mused Captain Disaster.

Now, it shouldn't immediately be assumed that just because Captain Disaster was stupid that this was the only cause of his problems. That was only the start. He was also clumsy, ill-mannered, lazy, and a bit weird. To say the least. And he had perpetual acne and dandruff, which made sure he never had a social life.

His ship, if you could call that heap of scrap metal a ship, was called 'Disaster Area'. It was a particularly appropriate name, as it happened. All along the hull, there were dents to mark the areas where numerous collisions had taken place with other ships, meteors, flying fish and even small moons. Not to mention the blackened areas that commemorated various laser blasts at his ship. He had a name for each one of them, and had even begun talking to some of them. They were like old friends. One was called "Enterprise". That one came from a security ship in a film set he'd inadvertently wandered into. The largest burn mark of all was called 'Mummy', because it was from the time his mum had tried to shoot him down in flames for leaving the gas on at home while he nipped down to the local shopping centre, five light years away on Ross 154.

She always did overreact, he thought fondly. And she'd looked quite surprised when he blasted her into oblivion. He’d set up the last few seconds video capture from her comms channel as his screensaver.

"Acturus-1 calling Disaster Area", came over a message on his dead trendy headphones.

"Receiving you loud and clear, Acturus-1", he said, in his best macho voice.

"Sorry about that. We had a slight problem with the hydraulic lock-pumps. I'm afraid we took the whole bottom section of your ship off."

"Yes. I know." Disaster tried to sound cross, but he didn't really mind as he could now claim off the insurance. He'd been meaning to get a new set of wheels anyway, but he just hadn't got round to it yet.

Maybe he could get a set that would actually turn now.

He was just about to land, when he noticed that something was amiss. It took him half an hour to work out what it was, but in a flash he realised. The planet was no longer there!

Disaster checked all of his instruments very carefully, courtesy of 'Very Careful Instrument Checking Systems PLC', and then blinked a couple of times. But no, the planet didn't come back. It was gone, as surely as the credibility of a cabinet minister who accepts invitations to tea from a Womble on Wimbledon Common at 2 in the morning, and then resigns because he's done nothing wrong.

The brave Captain pondered over the vanishing world for some time. The only other occurrence of a whole planet disappearing was Pluto in 2017. That was because some fool had stockpiled five and a half million gigatons of nuclear explosives there, to
commemorate Chelsea FC actually fielding an English player in their side, and accidentally set them all off at the same time with an unfortunately timed sneeze.

"I would have noticed if a planet had blown up in front of me, wouldn't I?", he asked the ship's computer.

"Dunno. I suppose so. Even you, I think, would find it hard to miss an explosion of that scale, which measured a squillion in the Richter Scale. Unless you where asleep at the time, of course. Then it would take something significantly louder to wake you. Like the sound of all the lavatories in the galaxy being flushed at precisely the same time. Which only ever happens, as you know, when there's a Royal Wedding or a showing
of the Spice Girls in concert."

That was the ship's computer, that was. The ship's computer that had the unfortunate name of 'Zero-bit'. This name was chosen to try to overcome the problem of Captain Disaster's inferiority complex. It didn't work, as Zero-Bit had an IQ of significantly more than Captaino Disastero. Well, that is to say he had an IQ. Which is more or less the same thing.

"Yeah, alright Zero-bit. So, instead of making smart remarks, why don't you tell me what you noticed? What happened to the planet?"

"Well, I should say that, in all probability, it vanished."

"Howwherewhywhat?", gasped the Captain, without taking a breath or even breathing.

"It was probably de-materialized by an evil potent alien force into complete nothingness for the purpose of making an intergalactic causeway or something and what do you mean, what?", replied Zero-bit.

"Quick, search all known theories as to why this may have happened!"
"But those are all the known theories, you anomaly of the space-time continuum!", retorted the impertinent computer impertinently. But then, suddenly, and completely out of character, ZB stopped insulting CD and said something that was rather useful.

"No, wait! There is a reference... Something in Altairian mythology talks about a monster that eats planets, and is said to have never been quelled or subdued. It is conceivable that this legend is true, given current events", he/it amended.

"Actually, I think that there's a lot of truth in these old legends", said Captain Disaster by way of a startling revelation.

"Actually, I think that there's a lot of truth on these old legends", said the Planet-eating monster, by way of an even more startling revelation. It really was startling. Look how startled I am and you'll see what I mean. Go on, look. What do
you mean you can't see me? I'm here, aren't I?

(After a brief injection the author returned to abnormality.)

There was the sound of a million trumpets, which shook space for light-years around. (Although, of course, it still wouldn't have been loud enough to wake up Captain Disaster. If he was asleep, that is. Which he wasn't. So I don't know why I mentioned it really. Never mind.)

"Pardon me", said the embarrassed Planet-eating monster. (For the more dense among the readership, the Planet-eating monster has just burped.)

"Are you the Planet-eating monster?", asked Disaster to the monster who filled up the viewing screen even though he was some 400 Million Kilometres away, besides which he had a tee-shirt on which said 'The Planet-eating monster's world eating tour 2039”,
and a baseball cap (fashionably the wrong way round) which bore the legend planeteater@theendisnigh4u.burp.pardon.UK. Presumably he/it chose "UK" because, as we all know, the British are universally loved and admired by all. Of course.

"Yes, I am", said the monster, "what are you going to do about it?"

"Quick, think of something!", screamed Disaster at Zero-bit. He was screaming because he had just realised the immense stupidity of trying to fight something 896,245,671.4675 (approx.) times bigger than himself.

"Run for it?", suggested the computer sensibly.

"Where?"

"Anywhere!"

And so they ran. Or rather, sped away, in Disaster Area.

Quite what happened to the Planet-eater of Acturus is unsure. Many people say that he died of planet poisoning, but of course that was only the people (well I suppose you could call them people… almost) of Delta Pavonis that said that. And that was only because of a long-standing feud between the two systems, all about a canister of unused fish oil... but that isn't important right now.

Personally, I think that the monstrously monstrous monster munched momentuously, moreover making his way into the record books, only to be disappointed by the fact that he/it had only a very small speaking part in this story, the first of a series which is set to establish an all-time low in wit and ingenuity.

Still, you've got to start somewhere.

Captain Disaster, meanwhile, got a new set of wheels. His conversation with the claims department of "Don't Blame Us When It All Goes Pear-Shaped" went like this:

"I have a claim to make. For a new set of wheels."

"Okay. Who were the other party insured with?"

"Um, they weren't. Well I don't know. They might have been. They must have been, I suppose."

"Okay, I'm sure we can sort things out for you. Who were the other party?"

"Acturus-1 ground control."

"Do you have a number we can contact them on?"

"Well, you might find it a little tricky to contact them. You see, the whole planet's just been eaten."

"I see. So it's a cover-up on their part, basically."

"You could call it that."

"I think you should speak to our litigation department. Fraud is a very serious business, and by allowing themselves to be swallowed, the planet in question are basically accepting vicarious liability for any other crimes committed by whatever it
was that ate them. I think this could be the biggest court case since Ian Paisley vs Everyone Else. It's all very exciting. I'm sure you're glad you insured with DBUWIAGPS."

"So you're not going to pay for my new set of wheels?"

"No. Goodbye."

Funding the new undercarriage proved to be quite easy, however. CD just sang at a local pub, and was fair weighed under with the deluge of money that was poured into his lap on the condition that he stop torturing everyone.

The wheels were a nice design, sort of like pyramids. There were little holographs of dragons portrayed on the sides of them.

They really looked quite impressive.

And they even turned.

Occasionally.

This short story is included in my book Space Oddity.

Harrison Ford Movie Reviews

2009-02-26T09:42:00.000-08:00

(All the reviews below are on Epinions - open in a new tab or window if you don't want to leave DARSCOM just yet!)

Indiana Jones Movies starring Harrison Ford:

Star Wars Movies starring Harrison Ford:

Other Movies starring Harrison Ford:

J K Rowling Book Reviews

2009-02-24T14:32:00.000-08:00

(All the reviews below are on Epinions - open in a new tab or window if you don't want to leave DARSCOM just yet!)

Alistair MacLean Book Reviews

2009-02-24T14:24:00.000-08:00

(All the reviews below are on Epinions - open in a new tab or window if you don't want to leave DARSCOM just yet!)

Top Ten Lists

2009-02-23T08:04:00.000-08:00

Movie Top Ten Lists

By Decade:

Top Ten Movies of the Eighties
Top Ten Movies of the Nineties

By Year:

Top Ten Movies of 2001
Top Ten Movies of 2002
Top Ten Movies of 2003
Top Ten Movies of 2004
Top Ten Movies of 2005
Top Ten Movies of 2006
Top Ten Movies of 2007
Top Ten Movies of 2008

By Genre:

Top Ten Movies of All Time
Top Ten British Films
Top Ten Romantic Comedies
Top Ten Science Fiction Films
Top Ten Star Trek Movies
Top Ten Science Fiction Series
Top Ten Animated Movies
Top Ten Children's Movies
Top Ten Spoof Movies
Top Ten Musicals
Top Ten Comedies
Top Ten Action / Adventure Movies
Top Ten Superhero Movies

Misc:

Best Lines in Film History

Video Game Top Tens (and Top Hundreds!)

Top Ten Adventure Game Lists

Top 10 Adventure Games of All Time

Top Ten Freeware Adventure Games
Top Ten Freeware Role Playing Games (RPG)

Top 100 Computer / Video Games of All Time (Part One)
Top 100 Computer / Video Games of All Time (Part Two)
Top 100 Computer / Video Games of All Time (Part Three)
Top 100 Computer / Video Games of All Time (Part Four)

Music Top Tens (well... Top Forties!)

CaptainD's Top Ten Pop&Rock Albums

Poetry - "Colours"

2009-02-21T07:44:00.001-08:00

I see a sea
of colours
floating,
mingling,
merging.
Then a colour
(call it blue)
decides it's a
superior hue.
Pushing to the forefront,
it tries to shove all others
out of focus, for
it believes itself
King of the colours.
I see another shade
(call it red)
rise up as if
from the dead.
The luminescences battle,
causing a garish schism.
It is a futile fight,
for fortunately
the painter attributed
equal glory
to every colour.
In the end, those hues
which tried to receive more
than their dues
only paint themselves
ugly.
Let not the picture
be spoiled,
especially for those colours
yet to be painted.

This poem is featured in the anthology Warts & All.

Poetry - "Ode of One Ordinary Orthopaedic Oncology Outpatient"

2009-02-20T14:17:00.000-08:00

Letter to Consultant Orthopaedic Oncologist from GP

I would like to refer this delightful lady
Who goes by the name of Jane
She seems to have developed a lump on her thigh
Which is causing her some pain
I think this may be a ganglion of some sort
Not really my expertise
I would be appreciate your expert opinion
As soon as possible, please.

Letter to Jane from Orthopaedic Oncology Clinic

You have been referred to us by your GP
We received the letter today
So we would like you to come in and see us
On the twenty second of May
On arrival we will perform an X-ray
Of the inner part of your thigh
Please arrive by half past nine in the morning
Or your waiting time will be high

X-ray Report

There is a small lobulated lesion
On left thigh anterior aspect
It could very well be a schwannoma
Margins close, could be tough to resect
The differential diagnosis:
An intramuscular myxoma
Recommend doing trucut biopsy
Can't rule out some kind of sarcoma...

Biopsy Report

The Radiologist's guess was right
This lesion was certainly not benign
It's a Synovial sarcoma
Surgical margins are right on the line
It's not an easy operation
Although by no means the worst it could be
Someone's got the job of telling her…
And I wish it didn't have to be me

Letter from Jane to her Son

They thought it wasn't dangerous
But they certainly seem to have changed their tune
They say that they can operate
And think that they can fit me in sometime soon
I'm worried, that I can't disguise
There is a small chance of some complications
I try not to think about that
Because of the worrying implications

Outpatient Clinic Letter

Jane was reviewed in clinic
Three months following her sarcoma's excision
She is making good progress
We see daily improvements in her condition
She has been mobilising
With the aid of local physiotherapy
Recurrence is unlikely
But we will see her on review regularly

This poem is featured in the anthology Warts & All.

Poetry

2009-02-19T09:10:00.000-08:00

Poetry - "Variations on a Theme Park"

2009-02-19T09:07:00.000-08:00

Nag nag nag,
that's all she ever does,
the child clinging to my arm.

Why she wants to go
on this particular ride baffles me;
surely someone will come to harm
on that monstrous contraption
of thrills spills and action?

The line of people edges forwards,
allowing me ample time to
contemplate the foolishness
of my giving in so quickly.

My knees begin to tremble;
surely I'm not really letting myself in for
that?!
Accelerated to 3g,
Spun through 360 degrees,
all to please this vile creature, clinging
slightly more tightly to my arm now.

Two more turns to go, me struck dumb
and my arm going numb.

We're next. The roller coaster's homing in on us
FAST.

I feel a tug on my blood-drained arm;
"Daddy, I need to go to the toilet."

"You can wait" I state, snarling through
gritted teeth,
and force us both to endure the ride
I didn't want to go on
in the first place.

This poem is featured in the anthology Warts & All.

Poetry - "A Lesson In Listening To Your Dad"

2009-02-19T09:04:00.000-08:00

A little lesson
from the school of knocks,
hard knocks.

Dad said: "Watch how you drive out of there".
I said "Yeah",
thought "seen it, done it
no problemo,
easy."
Schreeeeee!

After a visit to the repair centre
I sit staring at the bill,
which stings like a leaving lover's last kiss.
And all I was going to do
was put it in for a service.

This poem is featured in the anthology Warts & All.

My Goals for This Site

2009-02-18T09:15:00.000-08:00

I would like to be able to say, a year or two (or more) down the line, that I have been able to reach the following goals here are http://www.captaindridesagain.com/:

Pass one million total hits
Exceed a thousand page views per day

However on a general level, my aims are simply to create a website that people like and that has useful and / or enjoyable content. Of course I would also like to earn enough from advertising and commissin revenue to quit my day job... but I'd be satisfied if I can cover the $10/year domain name registration and have a few cents or dollars over!!

Am I insane or do you think my goals are possible to achieve within five years? The comment section is ready for your views!

Link Exchange

2009-02-18T08:31:00.000-08:00

If you have a website / blog that you'd like to be mentioned on the links page, please do the following:

Add a link to www.captaindridesagain.com somewhere on your site / blog
Email me with the page the link appears on
Include your site / blog name and a short description in your email

I'll email back as soon a I've added your link.

I will refuse a link exhange if:

Your site / blog contains offensive material, hate propaganda, pornography etc

cmaw63

2009-02-17T08:41:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, December 9 of 2006 to be exact, a woman went looking for reviews on Digital Cameras. The professional reviewers didn't impress her as they had too much knowledge and information. The photography forums had more questions on cameras than she did and little information. Then she went to Epinions.com and found the user reviews to be just right. The people there gave information that she could understand and put to use when she shopped for her new camera. The next day (Dec. 10 in case you forgot the original day) she went back to Epinions, read more reviews and visited the message boards. What did she find? That she could write her own reviews and even earn money! So, what if it is only a penny or two? She is able to relate her experiences with products and destinations, maybe even a help a person or two with a buying decision. How exciting is that? Very!

While it was the thought of earning money that got her to join Epinions.com, what kept her there was the community. Earning pennies didn't mean as much as getting to "know" the people of Epinions (Epinionators). Asking and answering questions, helping newbies and debating the good or bad qualities of everything Epi-related became a daily activity. She even co-hosted an Epinions Day get-together, meeting some of the Epinionators in person. Now she is closing in on 300 reviews, making dollars instead of pennies and moderating two message boards. I...I mean she...plans on living Epi-happily ever after.

Visit cmaw63's profile.

All About Epinions...

2009-02-17T08:39:00.001-08:00

I've invited various Epinions members to give a brief history of their time on the site, why they like it, etc... here are the replies!

New Domain!

2009-02-16T15:02:00.000-08:00

It will be working 100% within a few days, maybe only sporadically until the DNS servers all pick up on it - but this site is now hosted on http://www.captaindridesagain.com/!

Also wanted to thank Julie for coming up with the suggestion of this domain name :-D

Don't forget to vote on whether you like the new site design or not - see under the menu bar in the middle of the screen.

The History of DARSCOM

2009-02-16T08:07:00.001-08:00

DARSCOM was initially set up in 2004 as a business specialising in personalised gifts and cross stitch (my wife handling the latter!). As time went by technical difficulties meant that running it as a business was no longer viable, but I've kept the website running and use it to advertise my writing, whether it be printed books, free ebooks and audiobooks, other fiction and poetry, and of course reviews.

In early 2009 I completely redesigned the site but kept the old site in existence. The old site will not be updated, but I hope the update the site you're now looking at regularly.

So what about the future? See my goals for this site.

Do you like the new site design?

2009-02-15T15:50:00.001-08:00

Please vote!

Look under the "Other Stuff" menu bar in the middle and you'll find the poll - vote whether you love the new design, like it, don't care, dislike it or even (though I hope no-one will!) hate it.

Site Updates

2009-02-15T09:31:00.000-08:00

Just information on what's being added to the site...

24th Feb - have added some more content and a new section - Top Ten Lists.

22nd Feb - added some more poems and shareware; in particular, added a Dictionaries and Language Software section under the Shareware heading.

19th Feb - added the poetry section - only a couple of poems there so far, but will add more later. Need to do some more promoting of the site first...

17th Feb - decided to split the Shareware entry into separate sections. Have also added All About Epinions; I've asked several members of that site for a brief history of their experiences on Epinions, all the results will be posted there.

15th Feb - have got the main design pretty much how I want it, and added a fair amount of content. Will be putting more pages up soon - expect fewer instances of the "Coming Soon" page! Also getting a proper domain name for it (as I'm leaving the old site where it is), but not sure what I'm going to call it just yet...

Links

2009-02-14T07:28:00.000-08:00

Useful links as I come across them / sites I've exchanged links with...

(If you want to exchange links, please click here.)

Marriage Counseling - How to save your marriage with Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertel, sign up now to receive free advice
Tampa plastic surgery - For Tampa plastic surgery in Florida the best choice is Dr. Lawrence Kass, oculofacial plastic surgeon.
Home Furniture - Shop online for a wide selection of home and office furniture, kitchen appliances and gadgets at low internet prices and fast home delivery service
Hypertension - Cure hypertension using natural remedies like levodyn. It does not have side effects and helps to reduce hypertension.
Marriage Counselors - Marriage counseling without marriage counselors, a revolutionary way to save your marriage.
Marriage Help - Help and support for marriage and relationship problems from a large, friendly community.
Family Counselling - The Family & Marriage Counselling Directory provides therapists and marriage counselors in the US, as well as marriage counselling alternatives, articles, books, and live phone counselling.
In-Store Radio Advertising - In-StoreRadio.com - where we make your business sound as good as you truly are! Customized entertainment encouraging shoppers to stay longer and buy more.
Marriage Counseling Directory - The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory provides therapists and marriage counselors in the US, as well as marriage counseling alternatives, articles, books, and live phone counseling.
Physical Therapist NYC - Back pain, knee and foot pain treatments from Spine and Sports Medicine Clinic in Manhattan, New York City.
Weather - World weather forecast.
In-Store Radio Advertising - In-StoreRadio.com - where we make your business sound as good as you truly are! Customized entertainment encouraging shoppers to stay longer and buy more.
```
Vienna Hotels
```
RV Parts - Buy rv parts at www.tweetys.com - Low prices everyday on lots of cool RV parts and accessories
Hypertension Arterielle - Reduce your hypertension naturally. Use Levodyn will help you to lower your blood pressure down to healthy numbers, avoiding heart disease. Now you can effectively lower your blood pressure without experiencing unpleasant side effects.
High Blood Pressure Remedies - Remedies to cure High Blood Pressure naturally without any side effects, Levodyn helps you do so. Using Levodyn will lower your blood pressure to healthy levels and also help you prevent heart diseases.
High Blood Pressure Treatment - Levodyn offers natural High Blood Pressure Remedies, to lower the High Blood Pressure using natural supplements. Levodyn is composed of natural herbs that help you lower your blood pressure and thus increase your heart-healthy lifestyle.
Back pain Minneapolis - Twin Cities pain clinic provides Physical Therapy and back pain treatment in Edina, Minneapolis.
Public Relations for Broadcasting - Calysto Communications provides the social media and public relations solutions that your broadcasting, mobile or telecommunications company needs to succeed.
4 star hotels Santorini
Search Engine Optimization - SearchRankPros a search engine optimization and search engine marketing firm has been into business since 2005. Dial 248.636.4666 for online business success.
Boca Raton psychiatrist - Dr. Mintz, a psychiatrist in Boca Raton and Fort Lauderdale, has specialized skills and knowledge to diagnose hyperactivity disorders, Psychiatric problems associated with medical and neurological conditions and Mood changes during peri-menopause and pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder.
Chiropractors In LA - provides chiropractic treatment, diagnosis and rehabilitation of musculoskeletal injuries in Culver City Los Angeles, CA. Dr. Ghislaine Rodriguez is a Chiropractor in Culver City LA.
Michigan Web Design - Nicholas Creative has experience developing high quality websites on a variety of content management systems.
Search engine optimization - Gorilla Placement provides search engine optimization with gauranteed placement on page 1 of google within 90 days.
Web Design York - Web Rankings - UK based Search engine marketing agency, SEO Web Design, SEO Agency. SEO Link Building, White Label SEO, Search Engine Optimisation, Search Engine Marketing, Web Design, PPC, Conversion Specialists.
Web Design Company: Visit Web Art Sense a web design company and web design, SEO services provider in India. Provides Complete Solution of Web design, web development, Internet Marketing, SEO services all across the globe from India, UK, USA and Australia.
Becca's Crafts - A blog about cross stitch, designing and making clothes, and other crafts. Written by the wife of CaptainD!
Learning Platform - The RM Kaleidos® Learning Platform is made up of a number of products and services that together form RM's learning platform or Managed Learning Environment door play in the early years, environmental education, expeditions, field trips, and so on.
Campaign yard signs - Our political campaign yard signs has given a great start to many election campaigns. These custom made real estate yard signs; lawn signs can be used as a great outdoor advertising signs campaign. We now offer screen printed aluminum signs for your signage needs. Call us for professional signage services.
Managed File Transfer - Cleo communications specializes in business to business secure communications, secure file transfer, managed file transfer, network fax, fax server and alert notification.
Online Forex Trading
Accessory Geeks - Find all the latest and essential cell phone accessories at Accessory Geeks.
White Ronaldo World - blog about Christiano Ronaldo, Manchester United and football in general
Pulled Muscle- Pulled-Muscle.com - Helping athletes recover faster from pulled muscles.
SEO Agency Web Rankings - UK based Search engine marketing agency, SEO Web Design, SEO
PC Gaming Forum - exactly what it says on the tin!
Computer Technician - A strategic provider of IT services is hard to find. The TechServicesGuide is a completely free service. We have the tools to help customers find the right tech provider for them.
LovingTech - the hottest technology forum on the net! To sign up, you can us this link.
Cheetox! Free online Games
Iwebkit - iPhone webapp creation
MikeBurt.net - Web Design & Promotion Articles & Projects
GIMP - opensource graphics manipulation package
Epinions - reviews on every product under the sun (well, almost). Or you can click here for my profile on Epinions.
Gnomeslair.com - an excellent blog about gaming and retro gaming in particular.
Freeware Strategy Games and Multiplayer Shooters
Paranoid Emdroid - thoughts and opinions about video games for PC and console systems from the mind of a girl gamer.
Mediasaurs Website - movies, games, and more...
Mediasaurs Forum - forum for movies, games, comics, etc...
Mediasaurs Blog - Mediasaurs blog - does exactly what it says on the tin!
LCD TV Reviews
FreeAdvertising.com
Free-submit.co.cc - FREE SUBMIT YOUR BLOG AND GET HIGH TRAFFIC
Free photos for websites - FreeDigitalPhotos.net

John Wyndham Book Reviews

2009-02-14T07:15:00.001-08:00

(All the reviews below are on Epinions - open in a new tab or window if you don't want to leave DARSCOM just yet!)

I can recommend all of the books below:

Day of the Triffids
The Kraken Wakes
The Midwich Cukoos
The Chrysalid

Jules Verne Book Reviews

2009-02-14T07:14:00.001-08:00

(All the reviews below are on Epinions - open in a new tab or window if you don't want to leave DARSCOM just yet!)

In approximate order of how much I enjoyed them:

Around The World in 80 Days
From the Earth to the Moon
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
Journey to the Centre of the Earth

Terry Pratchett Reviews

2009-02-14T07:00:00.000-08:00

(All the reviews below are on Epinions - open in a new tab or window if you don't want to leave DARSCOM just yet!)

Discworld Novels

The Colour of Magic
The Light Fantastic
Equal Rites
Mort
Sourcery
Wyrd Sisters
Pyramids
Eric
Moving Pictures
Reaper Man
Witches Abroad
Small Gods
Men At Arms
Soul Music
Interesting Times
Hogfather
Jingo
The Last Continent
The Fifth Elephant
The Truth
Thief of Time
Night Watch
Monstrous Regiment
Going Postal
Thud!
Making Money

Stories of Discworld

(These were wrtiten mainly for children and don't form part of the official Discworld novel series.)
The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents
The Wee Free Men
A Hat Full of Sky
Wintersmith

Non-Discworld Books

Strata (though this was an early experiment with the Discworld concept, it is not a novel of Discworld)
Dark Side of the Sun
The Carpet People
Maurice and His Amazing Educated Rodents
The Unadulterated Cat: A Campaign for Real Cat Lovers

Reviews

2009-02-14T06:54:00.000-08:00

Video Games

WII Game Reviews

Book Reviews by Author

Movie Reviews by Actor / Actress

Harrison Ford

WII Game Reviews

2009-02-14T06:52:00.000-08:00

Here all all my WII game reviews, in the order I've written them. More coming, hopefully soon!

(All the reviews below are on Epinions - open in a new tab or window if you don't want to leave DARSCOM just yet!)

WII Play
Big Beach Sports
WII Sports
LEGO Star Wars: The Complete Saga
Crash of the Titans
Surf's Up
Ratatouille
Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock
LEGO Batman
Mario & Sonic at the Olympics

Coming Soon

2009-02-14T05:12:00.000-08:00

This website / blog hybrid is a work in progress, and the page you've requested isn't ready just yet. Please check back in a couple of days as I'm busy getting everything done!

Blogs

2009-02-14T04:56:00.000-08:00

I write / contribute to many blogs at the moment - you can find them all on my Blogger profile. Here they are with a shot description of each one:

PC Gaming Blog - this is about all aspects of PC gaming including commercial, freeware and shareware ganes. Also lots of retro gaming stuff, sometimes a bit of info on computer hardware and peripherals, game reviews, hints and tips, etc. This blog is frequently updated.
Movie Review Blog - updated fairly frequently (depends on how any films I've been watching and how many I get round to reviewing!). Features trailers as well as reviews, and sometimes bits of movie-related news, awards etc.
Book Review Blog - pretty much as above, but substitute books for movies.
WII Game Review Blog - can you guess? It's about WII games, reviews, news, etc.
Photos Blog - just photos I've taken that I've decided to share with the world at large. Updated sporadically.
Graphics Blog - experiemtns with graphics, usually using the open-source program GIMP. I've always been fascinated by fractals so they form the basis for a lot of my graphical experiments.
Fiction Blog - an intermittently updatedblog containing / about fiction writing by myself and my sister-in-law.
Fan Fiction Blog - as above, but about fan fiction.
Eating out in Birmingham - probably the most specific blog I write! If you live in Birmingham (the UK one, not the Birmingham in Alabama!) and like eating out, you may just find this useful. The emphasis tends to be on North Birmingham but it just depends where I've been.
Epinions Milestones - more of a personal record than anything, this is simply a place where I keep tabs on what I've accomplished on Epinions, a reviews website I've been an active member of for several years.

Lord of the Things Book I: Extract 5

2009-02-14T03:55:00.001-08:00

Looking directly at Bilbo, Frodo said with a stern voice as cold and hard as steel and twice as shiny:

“I want a raise in my allowance.”

“Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” cried Bilbo.

When the echoes had died down, Frodo stood glaring at his uncle, tapping his feet impatiently. “Enough of the Darth Vader theatricals! If you don’t give me a raise, I won’t do it. I won’t I won’t I won’t I won’t!”

Gravely Gandalf gesticulated gruesomely. “You have no choice I’m afraid, old friend. You must do as the young hobbit asks.”

Grumbling, Biblo conceded defeat.

“Don’t worry” whispered Gandalf, “I suspect he won’t live long enough to collect the extra money anyway.”

“Oi! I heard that!” cried Frito.

“Anyway, may the Valor protect you and all that, not that they really care about Middle Earth these days but of course you didn’t hear me say that…”

“Indeed.”

“But what about lunch?” asked Merriadoch. “It’s nearly midday!”

But lunch was not to be had in Dingly Dell that day…

“ENOUGH!!”, cried Gandalf, and it was.

So Endeth Act I, Scene I

You want more?

You want to find out what happens?

Then buy the book!

Choose your vendor from:

Amazon.com
Amazon.co.uk
Lulu.com

Lord of the Things Book I: Extract 4

2009-02-14T03:53:00.000-08:00

Pippin piped up perkily, “You can’t have too much pipeweed!”, and thus set a very bad example for young people. He later apologised for this and appeared in an advertising campaign entitled “Just Say No To Pipeweed Abuse”.

Frodo had turned up and was hungry as usual. “Well, I’m off to Elrond’s place for some free food.”

“Of course you are, Mr Frodo Sir, and I’m coming with you!” The Curse of Silence (sometimes known as The Blessing of Someone Else’s Silence) had been broken, and Sam was ready and raring to go, just as soon as someone removed the grate from the fireplace for him. Gandalf the Grate did so, though he complained about it rather a lot.

“And don’t forget your childishly chipper cheeky chirpy cheerful chummy Irish Hobbits, Merry and Pippin!!”

Gandalf removed a young hobbitling from his foot and carefully placed it in his handy Travelling CauldronTM. Then he carefully unfolded the heavy, cast-iron lid, placed it on the cauldron and carefully lit a fire underneath. The tiny hobbit offspring carefully let out a scream but no-one else could hear, as the Travelling CauldronTM was soundproof.

(No hobbitlings were harmed during the writing of this story. Well okay, some were, but they were the bad hobbitlings who deserved it, so that’s all right then.)

“Believe me, I’ve tried to forget you – all of you, deformed twisted pathetic creatures!” The hobbits smiled, as they didn’t really understand Gandalf’s words but presumed that as he was such a nice old weird cranky wizard type person, he must be saying something nice. “Well, off we go then. On to excitement, adventure, and really wild things! Oh, and don’t forget the thing.”
“What thing?”

“You know… The Thing.”

“Oh, That Thing.”

Frodo frowned. “What will it do to the one that bears it?” he asked.

“Well” said Gandalf, “firstly it will sap your very life essence, change your personality for the worse, make you completely obsessed, turn you from a hobbit into an unspeakably ugly creature of latent evil, and finally will cause you to have a painful death.”

“Oh, that’s all right then. As long as nothing bad happens to the one who bears it. I think I’ll volunteer. But…”

“But?” asked Gandalf.

Next Page

Lord of the Things Book I: Extract 3

2009-02-14T03:50:00.000-08:00

There was a swoosh from Gandalf’s staff and Sam was quite safe from the fire, albeit soaking wet. He remembered his manners well enough to say “Thank you Mr Gandlaf, Sir, you complete and utter Troll.” This was probably not a wise thing for Sam to say (the fact that his full name actually contained the word “wise” had not permeated his brain), especially to a wizard who can turn you into a frog at a moment’s notice.

“Croak”, said Sam.

Gandalf sighed. “Oh do shut up you filthy little gnome, I only pointed my staff at you as if to threaten to turn you into an amphibian. I didn’t actually do it.”

“Oh”, said Sam. “I’ll shut up now, I think.”

The reply was unanimous. “Good.”

Bilbo was confused, even more so than when his head had inexplicably turned into a pumpkin overnight. “Sorry, what does The Thing do again? And what do I do with the Dwarves?”

”The Thing wields terrible powers that could destroy every living thing on Middle England. It would be worse than The Spice Girls being given eternal rulership of the planet – worse even than their songs being played every day in your head without a mute button.” Much shuddering was done at this. “Plus, the Dwarves can go around looting Wamralt stores and chopping the doors down for us. They took over Sada, and with Lida and Ilddle stores springing up all over the place, who knows how long we’ll even have any English supermarkets left?”

“Um… Mr Gandalf, Sir… what if the stores doors are made of mithril?”

After striking Samwise mute with a twirl of his staff (which was, even he had to admit, just showing off), Gandalf replied with a voice like thunder (as he was still showing off):

“Oh, don’t worry about that. Some babe called Luthien bought the world’s entire supply of mithril to make bikinis. She looks pretty hot in them, but her father Beren doesn’t like her flaunting herself so he’s grounded her until the fourth age starts. Especially after that Tom Bombadil stopped sleeping and started making eyes at her.”

“That drugged-up freak can make eyes!!! Oh no, all is lost! It’s just like Bladerunner!” Merry’s face was a picture of sheer terror. Then everyone realised he had been holding a print of Edward Munch’s “The Scream” in front of his face. This is what passes for humour in the hobbit world.

“Er… what the hell are you talking about, you small imbecile?” asked Gandalf the Grater (cheese, mostly).

“I don’t know. I think I’ve been at the pipeweed too much.”

Next Page

Lord of the Things Book I: Extract 2

2009-02-14T03:48:00.000-08:00

“Yeah – I got Wormtongue.” In his mind, Bilbo heard a fanfare going and a crowd laughing and cheering. His reaction from Gandalf was slightly less enthusiastic.

“Ah. I see your sense of humour hasn’t improved.”

Bilbo ignored this slur. “But the healing hands of the King saved me! That and Beechams Cold & Flu remedy.”

“Thou shalt not chit-chat! The White Council have decided to move against the growing power of Wamralt, my friend. We need your help. You have access to the Dwarves.”

“The Dwarves? What can the Dwarves do against the many stores of Wamralt?” Bilbo wondered how Gandalf knew that he still had dwarven pen friends.

Once more Gandalf groaned internally at the stupidity of this fat little creature, who was only key to the plot by diabolically deliciously devious downright dubious device of a ludicrously lunatic literary literally lyrical nature. “Dwarves, my old friend, have axes. Because you know what more stores mean?”

“GASP! Mordors!”

“Indeed. And they are recruiting again – using the fell agency ’Orc-U-Like’. I must go now, but give The Thing to your nephew Frodo, so that four little furry creatures can set out on an perilous trail that will lead to unlikely success, despite many seemingly irrevocable setbacks and much heartbreak, but also discover the bravery that lies in even the most foolish or cowardly heart.”

A small voice piped up from the corner, where two hobbits had been hiding. “You’re talking about Pippin and myself, aren’t you? That’s not nice.”

“Oh be yea not miserable, Merry. For you are about to embark on a great adventure.”

“Can I come too?” squeaked something outside the window.

“Why not?” said Gandalf, picking Samwise up with his staff and, not unkindly, dumping him down onto the burning fireplace – behind the grating that was too high for a hobbit to scale. “We need a gardener for… for…. erm… oh what the hell, just come on Sam, after all we need a plucky sidekick for Frodo. There’s always a plucky sidekick, though frankly I have no idea why there needs to be one. Bilbo wasn’t exactly much use on my adventures with him… I just needed something that could be eaten if the dwarves started to rebel”

“Oi!” shouted Bilbo, to general acclaim from all who listened, of which there were none. “Who would eat a hobbit, for heaven’s sake?!?”

“I don’t know, but something smells mighty tasty…” said Pippin.

“Yes, it’s me. Can you let me out from the fire that burns me, Mr Gandalf, Sir? It’s quite hot, what with this blazing fire and all.”

Next page

Lord of the Things Book I: Extract 1

2009-02-14T03:32:00.000-08:00

(Please note: the formatting / font shown here is not identical to the printed book.)

Of Hobbits

They’re ugly
And they’re smelly
They all like ice cream and jelly

They are fat,
And they are round,
They're as repulsive as they sound.

Height: Slightly shorter than an orc
Weight: Similar to a small Oliphant
Appetite: Unmeasured, but thought to be virtually limitless
Intelligence: Extremely variable (much like humans in this regard)

Act I Scene I

The voice rang out in Dingly Dell or whatever it was called.

“Bilbo Baggins!”

“Erm… yeah? Oh, Gandalf! It’s you!” Bilbo pretended to be happy, but he had been interrupted from his pre-snack snooze and was none too pleased about it.

“Bilbo, I thought you said you were going to give me a ring?”

“Sorry about that. It’s the Sauron charges on phone calls these days. And, you see, I’ve had a problem talking.”

Gandlaf winced at the mention of the dreaded name of EVIL, or perhaps it was just the awful pun. “That doesn’t seem likely, old friend. What happened then, anyway? Balrog got your tongue?”

“Well, not exactly. I had a terrible disease, you see.”

”Oh?”

Next page

Printed Books - Lord of the Things Book I

2009-02-14T03:22:00.001-08:00

Lord of the Things is a parody of J R R Tolkein's great work, "Lord of the Rings".

The Mellow Hip of the Thing is the first book of the trilogy, covering events from the beginning of the quest in Hobbiton to splitting up of the fellowship of the ring. Expect plenty of bad puns, wordplay, pop culture references and needless alliteration! (You have been warned...)

For my review of the classic original book, click here. (This will take you to my review of Lord of the Things on Epinions; open this in a new tab or window if you don't want to leave the DARSCOM site yet!)

Lord of the Things is available from the following booksellers (links take you directly to the product page on each site):

Amazon.com

Amazon.co.uk

Lulu.com

Read an extract from Lord of the Things BookI: The Mellow Hip of the Thing

Printed Books - Warts & All

2009-02-13T15:11:00.000-08:00

Warts & All is a poetry collection split into 4 sections - "A Lighter Look At Life", "The Rise, Fall, And Rise of Us", "A Darker Look At Life", and "Prose Poetry". There's some funny stuff, some serious stuff, and some experimental stuff. "Stuff" isn't a word that's usually used to describe poetry, but really that's what it often is - a mess of emotion poured out onto the printed page. With a little tidying up afterwards, of course!

There should be something for everyone in this book, whether you like your poetry light and funny, deep and thoughtful, or anything in between. The different moods of the poems represent the many different moods I was in when I wrote them - I shall let the readers be the judges of whether this was a good thing or not!

(Please note... this is somewhat expanded compared to the ebook version of Warts & All.)

Warts & All can be bought from the following stores:

The links above will go directly to the product page for Warts & All on each site.

Extracts:

Printed Books

2009-02-13T09:27:00.000-08:00

MASSIVE DISCOUNTS ON MY BOOKS!

Mellow Hip of the Thing - 30% off:

Warts and All - 30% off:

Space Oddity - 40% off:

The following printed books by CaptainD are available:

Space Oddity - a collection of science fiction short stories. Utter madness really...
Warts and All - a poetry collection exploring the lighter and darker sides of life, prose poetry and that old favourite, love...
The Lord of the Things Book I - The Mellow Hip of the Thing - an affectionate parody of JRR Tolkein's great fantasy epic, or at least the first part of it.

Books by different authors:

Perpetual by Brian Huey - a man with a vision for a better world and a woman intrigued by the criminal mind find themselves together and on the run...

Printed Books - Space Oddity

2009-02-12T12:16:00.003-08:00

CaptainD has written the following books which are available from Amazon.com and Lulu.com:

This book features the infamous Captain Disaster series (episodes 1-11) along with other comedy and serious science fiction stories, along with some other humorous, non-science fiction stories. This book is contains 101 pages, perfect-bound with glossy cover. The image I used for the front cover of the book was produced by combining elements of the crab nebulae and the 1933 King Kong - looks a bit odd I admit, but that was the intention. Note to David Bowie's legal team - it might be difficult to believe, but I honestly hadn't heard of the album Space Oddity when I named this book!

Also featured are the first episodes of "The Flying Pig" and "My Life as a Treble Agent". Don't expect anything mind-blowingly intellectual and you may not be disappointed. You probably do have to be a sci-fi fan to appreciate the special madness of this book.

Prepare to have your synapses severely scrambled!

Space Oddity can be bought from:

Amazon.com

Amazon.co.uk

Lulu.com

(The above links will take you directly to the product page for Space Oddity on the relevant site.)

Extracts

Audiobooks

2009-02-12T12:16:00.001-08:00

The following audiobooks are available for free download from DARSCOM (MP3 format):

Comedy Science Fiction

The first Captain Disaster story, a simple tale of one man, a broken spaceship, and a mythical creature who can swallow entire planets.
Captain Disaster Episode 1 - The Planet Eater of Acturus
(Read this story on Epinions)

What happens when you trust your computer to do the cooking? Well... it's probably best not to find out. Unfortunately for the intrepid captain, he doesn't have the option of remaining in blissful ignorance...
Captain Disaster Episode 2 - A Beta Burger
(Read this story on Epinions)

You all thought wormholes were really cool things that let you travel through time and space, huh? Well you're wrong... but the truth could just destroy the fabric of the universe...
Captain Disaster Episode 3 - Wormhole
(Read this story on Epinions)

Serious Science Fiction

What would it be like to be the last creature left alive on earth, but unable to die? A tale of genetic engineering, experimentation and apocalypse.
Alone (Read this story on Epinions)

All stories written by Dave Seaman and read by Jeff Kafer

Ebooks

2009-02-12T12:15:00.001-08:00

Lord of the Things: The Mellow Hip of the Thing is now on sale for just £1.59!

The following Ebook is available for free download from DARSCOM:

This ebook is a poetry collection containing some of the best early work of Dave Seaman, most of which has been published by poetry magazines in the UK. The ebook is split into 4 sections - "A Lighter Look At Life", "The Rise, Fall, And Rise of Us", "A Darker Look At Life", and "Prose Poetry". This third edition (released 02.01.07) has extra content with some newer poems to supplement the older material. 85 pages in total.

While Warts & All is available as a perfect-bound paperback , the ebook version will continue to be a free title. The first edition was described as "very accessible even to those who don't particularly like poetry" (booknet.com) and "guarranteed to raise a smile in all but the clinically dead" (Planet Prozac magazine). Unfortunately neither the website nor magazine are still going, so you'll have to take my word for it I'm afraid!

The cover artwork was done by my sister-in-law; more of her work can be found on this website.

Click here for the download page of Warts & All. It's completely free to download.